There is a fleeting moment in a boy’s life that is almost painful to observe in its profound vulnerability. Manhood is on the horizon, and these boys stand at the threshold, straddling the line between the comfort of the old and the uncertainty of the new.
It is a disorienting period. Their development is wildly inconsistent; some seem like men, others like babies, with hormones surging at different rates. This physical and emotional flux coincides with a major social shift: they fall from the peak of the primary school hierarchy to the very bottom of the high school social ladder, a daunting transition for any adolescent.
According to experts, this is when boys begin “test-driving” masculinity, performing it for their peers and seeking approval. By age 14, certain identities and behaviors, including increased risk-taking, begin to solidify. For a minority, these new pressures are handled dysfunctionally, leading to behaviors now widely recognized as toxic masculinity.
A landmark Australian survey of 1,400 adolescents (aged 14-18) paints a bleak picture of this specific subgroup. The boys who adhere to rigid, harmful ideas about masculinity are also the most likely to be lonely, mentally unwell, and to have been victims of victimization themselves. It is crucial to note, however, that this is a minority. As many studies confirm, boys as a demographic still fare better on most metrics than girls and gender-diverse people.
The survey also revealed several hopeful statistics. First, the panic over online influencers like Andrew Tate may be overstated. According to the data, less than a quarter of boys reported that social media significantly shaped their ideas of masculinity, while 59% cited their parents as “very impactful.”
Encouragingly, many boys report feeling comfortable showing vulnerability, comforting their friends, and talking openly about their problems. Another lovely statistic is that 96% of adolescent boys believe in gender equality, suggesting we have the raw materials for a better next generation. This comes with a stark contradiction: only 17% of those same boys will intervene or speak up when witnessing sexist comments. Their attitudes and their actions fail to align, in large part because boys are also afraid of other boys.
As the author Tim Winton wrote years ago in a still-relevant speech, “Patriarchy is bondage for boys, too. It disfigures them. Even if they’re the last to notice. Even if they profit from it.”
These youthful ideals certainly clash with adult realities. A separate landmark study this week reminded us, yet again, that women earn just 76 cents for every dollar a man makes and continue to carry the disproportionate burden of domestic labor.
This raises the central question: Will the 96% of boys who believe in equality maintain that belief when they enter adult systems that are structurally designed to favor them? Or will they forget? Patriarchy awaits, and it is difficult for anyone to criticize a system that works to their advantage.
And so, we return to placing our hope in this generation. Can they translate their stated ideals into a manifest difference? It is a heavy burden to place on them.
Meanwhile, the same refrain echoes: Where are the good male role models? This, too, may be part of the problem—this rigid insistence on a “masculine solution” for a problem of rigid masculinity. It perpetuates the idea that only men can teach boys how to be men. Is this true, and is it even working?
Another pleasing statistic from the survey offers a clue. The boys who did not subscribe to harmful, rigid ideas were influenced more by their fathers than by social media or their peers. That tracks. But a “close second” in influence were their mothers. It turns out, women can also teach boys how to be decent human beings.
Perhaps this is a more effective key. The goal isn’t to give women more work, but to tweak the message that all adults can give to boys.
So, what does it mean to be a boy or a man? Ultimately, it means the same thing it means to be a girl or a woman, or anyone on the gender spectrum. It means you are no better or worse than anyone else, regardless of your biology. It means you have the capacity to reflect on, and laugh at, your own existence. It means you should be free and safe to be whoever you want to be. It is, simply, what it means to be human.
